You may remember a post I wrote, exactly one year ago, entitled 'Discussions of Quinne'. It was a hard thing to do, sit down and really talk with Miranda about her big sister.
Since then, Miranda loves to go around telling people about her sister. She is only five years old and doesn't yet realize that death is a hard topic to talk about. It isn't for her. She likes to tell me a couple times a day or to anyone who will listen. "I have a big sister. Her name is Quinne. She died." She'll tell random strangers who ask her if she likes being a big sister "Yes, but I'm a little sister too. My big sister died." She says it so matter-of-factually and it usually throws people way off guard and the conversation turns awkward afterwards. Or, if there is a new person in the house, she drags them over to the curio and tells them to say hi to Quinne. She doesn't realize how uncomfortable this can make someone. She doesn't realize it's not socially acceptable to discuss her lost sibling.
Most days, I discuss back and do not scold her curiosity or bluntness. In some situations, or on days I'm feeling particularly sad, I ask her to talk about happy things. I tell her that I miss Quinne and sometimes it makes me sad to talk about her. Or I tell her that it makes other people sad. It's a fine line to draw for me. I don't want her to not talk about Quinne but I would appreciate if she learned when it was acceptable and when it was not.
There are days when she will sit and stare into Quinne's curio for quite some time. She likes to ask questions such as "Mommy, why is her baby bottle in there? She doesn't need that anymore, right? She's dead." Any train of thought about Quinne always ends with 'she's dead'. Ouch ...
I then have to try and explain to her why certain items are sentimental and that I enjoy keeping them around. They're important to me. Yes, I have a tiny baby bottle in the curio. She never needed it, never used it. But it was assigned to her, it came home with us. She was supposed to use it. It's a hard thing for a five year old's mind to wrap around. At her age, I believe she actually understands very little about it all, but her heart is in the right place. Along with all the other things she says, she likes to tell me that she misses her sister and loves her the most. And that warms my heart like no other.
Every night Rosie prays for "our baby in heaven." At first I used to get all choked up when she did that, but now I'm happy our lost little one is remembered. He or she is still a part of our family.
ReplyDeleteAw! That is too sweet Jennifer! I remember when you had your miscarriage. Such a tough loss to deal with. I love that Rosie remembers.
Delete(Hugs for you)
ReplyDeleteMy aunt lost a child when I was just a baby myself. Growing up, we all spoke often of R. Most especially, my cousin, B, who was her next born after R passed away, carried a love and pride for his big brother like no other. I am certain that there were times that it was (and still is) insanely painful for me aunt to be flooded by these kiddos who all so happily wanted to love on her lost child. All these years later, there is still an immense love and pride for the boy who none of us remembers but all of us treasure dearly. And I know that is due in great part because we were allowed to work through it in our own ways as children and to come to bond with this sweet angel who was taken too soon. Your beautiful Quinne will be loved and treasured for many years to come, too, because you are helping her siblings to make certain of it!
Thank you Aramelle. I am so sorry for your aunt's loss. It's never easy to deal with the loss of a child. I'm glad your family is so close and can all talk about it.
DeleteThis is a hard topic. I had a miscarriage a long time ago. Our fourth daughter was due on our first daughter's birthday. In less than a month she would have been 18. I mentioned her to the seniors I teach because she would have graduated in June.
ReplyDeleteNo advice except let your writing help you. Growing older will help Miranda.
Thank you Sheila. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Losing a baby is never easy whether it's 8 weeks in or 40 weeks. A loss is a loss and my heart goes out to you.
DeleteBeautiful post. Such a beautiful little girl. It's heart warming how open she is about her love. I bet she touches everyone's heart that she talks to about her sister. I know she would touch mine.
ReplyDeleteYes, she is a very open, loving child. She is so special to me and I love that she loves her sister.
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