Easy Grieving

Can you make grieving the loss of a loved one 'easier'?

LilSugar's readers apparently think you can. A recent post there asked the question: "Does Birth Make It Easier To Cope With Death?"

For me, personally, I voted a big, fat 'NO!' Everyone grieves differently and if the birth of a baby helps you to get over the fact that one of your loved ones died, then I guess that's good. I for one, think that grieving is tough but life doesn't stop for it. My two daughters are 10 months apart to the day. 10 months after I said goodbye to one baby, I was lucky enough to welcome another one into the world. I will always be very thankful that she's healthy and happy and thriving. Having Miranda gave me less opportunity to dwell on the loss of Quinne, but she didn't make my grieving process any easier. Everyone still has to go through the five stages. A baby doesn't stop these feelings or diminish them in any way. Miranda helped me become the mom I desperately wanted to be. She helped fill the hole in my heart that told me I was meant to be a mom. She helped me to not feel like a failure. Empty and useless. For the longest time (and sometimes even now on my bad days) I blamed myself for Quinne's death. The 'what if's' would keep me up at night, driving me insane.

Before Miranda was born, I wouldn't sleep well for days on end just thinking about Quinne. I wouldn't eat. I couldn't help but think about her as I had very little else to do. As my belly grew and as the weeks went by in my pregnancy, I finally came to terms that it was real this time. I was going to have a baby this time to take home and raise. I was happy for that but I still missed my Quinne. Miranda did not and could not, nor will she ever, replace Quinne. I still have two daughters, even though you can't see them both. The place in my home, heart and life where Quinne should be is still empty. I love them both and Miranda is an amazing child. She gets complimented daily, especially on the days we go out to a store or something. She's very special and people can tell that just by looking at her. But what they can't see is the beautiful and amazing angel sitting on her shoulder has everything to do with that. Everything. Behind everything that Miranda does, I see Quinne. When Miranda hugs and kisses me, I feel Quinne. I wish, so badly, that they both could be here but they can't. That wasn't a choice.

So that 59% of LilSugar readers that thinks grieving is made easier by the birth of a child, I say no. It is not.